THE DAY I THOUGHT ABOUT OUR MEET UP ALL DAY

কারা যেন ভালবেসে আলো জ্বেলেছিলো

সূর্যের আলো তাই নিভে গিয়েছিলো

নিজের ছায়ার পিছে ঘুরে ঘুরে মরি মিছে

একদিন চেয়ে দেখি আমি তুমি হারা,

আমি তুমিহারা।

আমায় প্রশ্ন করে নীল ধ্রুবতারা

আর কত কাল আমি রব দিশাহারা,

রব দিশাহারা।

Somebody had lit up a light with their love,

which seemed to outshine even the sun.

I was like a lost soul,

endlessly chasing my own shadow.

Then one day, I realized I was missing ‘us’,

I was missing you.

The blue star in the sky seems to ask me,

how much longer will I remain lost,

directionless.

Dear Palak,

The door swung open with the brightness of your smile and this song playing in the background. And my heart skipped a series of beats. 16 years. It’s been 16 years since I last saw you. And there you were standing in front of me. You looked the same only more beautiful, if that’s even possible. I could die a thousand deaths for a glimpse of that smile.

The song felt like it was made just for that moment. I really wanted to give you a big, tight hug, but I ended up giving a kind of awkward, friendly one instead. I was close to tears, but these days, I can’t seem to cry. At that moment, I was actually glad for it.

“It’s so sweet of you to come from so far to see me,” you said. And I couldn’t tell you it’s because I missed you beyond I can ever express.

We got to talking, and we covered as much as possible. Trying to squeeze 16 years of our lives into just four hours is difficult. ‘We should meet more often,’ I thought but didn’t say.

I opened up to you about the women I’ve loved and didn’t love and yeah, I admitted I still have feelings for you. I couldn’t help but notice every detail about you – the way you looked, your beautiful little hands and feet, the way you sat, your anger, your frustration, your composure, the way you said ‘bhaisaaaaab’ or the way you called everyone you were disgusted with, a ‘bitch’. There you were, talking about your own experiences with love, the good and the bad, and about friends who let you down. It just blew my mind how anyone could mistreat someone as amazing as you. And you know, all I could say was, “You’ll get used to it.”

And I thought about what Charles Bukowski wrote – “I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.” And I thought I loved you like that and more. After all, you too are “mad and magic”. And I wondered what would have happened if we were young and you were not tired yet, and if we were together. But then I realised I can’t let my thoughts and possessiveness get in the way. The most important thing is having you in my life, in any way I can.

Life is so strange and so amazing at the same time. I went through things so organically. There was not a single moment of control, or predictability to it. And I surrendered to the difficult emotions and found comfort in my own truth. 

People reject love. People withhold love. But what is difficult is accepting the truth of someone. You did that gracefully. You are indeed mad and magic. And that’s why it was the best day of my life.

Thank you.

With love, hugs and other things,
P