20th March 2021

Dearest Palak,

So, this new girl joined my team last week and we started talking and all. Over the course of the conversation, it came up that I am from Tripura. She said, “That’s far. How frequently do you visit home?” And I said, “Maybe once a year or so.”

“Why so less?” She asked.

And I said, “I don’t like the place, the people over there. Especially, my parents.” I didn’t even have to think before responding.

She was taken aback. People usually do not say things like that in such a straightforward manner. Our culture is so toxic that if you don’t like your parents, it’s assumed that the problem is you. You are ungrateful. You are a bad kid. A spoiled one. So, people usually don’t say things like that.

And if someone says, they are shamed and shunned.

I think the core values of our culture are so fucked up, superficial and toxic that there is no place for individuality and self-respect.

We need to normalize a lot of things, including not liking your own parents. But then again, I don’t think it’s going to happen in my lifetime. After all, we are still debating and fighting over ripped jeans, whether or not the name of a certain place has to be changed, whether or not people should eat beef, and so on…

When I told my therapist about this incident, even she ignored it. Or maybe she didn’t. I don’t know.

She asked, “Why do you hate your parents?”

“That’s the problem. I don’t hate them. Hate is a strong feeling. Anyway, I love them. But I don’t like them.”

“What do you mean?” She was confused.

“Didn’t you ever fall in love with the wrong person? You know what it’s like, right? You know things are not going to work out between the two of you. You fight a lot. And why do you fight? Because you don’t like certain aspects of that person. Things that are important. So, you basically don’t like the person. But you are still hopelessly in love with them. I think you can love someone without liking them. And that’s exactly what a toxic relationship is like. Most people, I believe, fail to see the difference between ‘love’ and ‘like’. I can see the difference and yet I can’t help it. Love is hopeless, isn’t it? And especially, when it’s your parents you are talking about, you are programmed to love them. Maybe that’s why I too love my parents. Or maybe it’s because no matter what, deep inside I am grateful to them for certain things. I don’t know. But I definitely do not like them, the way they are.”

“Hummm. Pritam, I guess I need to understand your anger better, to be able to help you,” she said.

“What can I do?’

“Let’s start off with people you really like. Why don’t you list them out and jot down why you like them and what about them makes you angry. You don’t have to share this with me. You can just tell me the gist of it once you are done.”

“How is that going to help you?”

“We will figure that out,” she smiled.

So, I started listing out the people I really like, not necessarily love. I was extremely sincere and objective while making the list and jotting down the reasons why I like them and what about them makes me angry.

17 people. Some of them are not even close to me. But I have known them for long and I just like them.

I wasn’t surprised that in my 30 years in this world, during which I came across hundreds of people, in school, my engineering college, during my masters, at work, during my vagabond days as an artist roaming the streets of Bangalore, I have come across only 17 people who I really like. After all, according to the Myers Briggs Test, I am 92% judgemental.

But I was amazed to find that even these people, people I like, have managed to piss me off at times. I am angry with them as well; it’s just that it’s bearable.

But yeah, a part of me is mad at them too. All of them, except one.

And that’s you.

I know it’s probably because I don’t know you enough. No offense meant 😁 (and I know it doesn’t matter to you). But it’s kind of pleasantly shocking.

With love, hugs and other things,
P