The Day I Returned My Wedding Ring to Pallo

“Do you love me? There’s no doubt that I love you but we keep fighting all the time and so it’s important for me to know if you love me… even a bit,” I asked Pallabi.

“To be honest, I don’t know if I love you anymore. And trust me, it has nothing to do with you. It’s just that I am finding it extremely difficult and overwhelming to be a married woman. But I definitely care about you. And I want you to be happy…,” she replied.

“If it has nothing to do with me then why do we keep fighting?” I asked.

“Well, one side of the coin is about your parents being from an entirely different world – their mindset, their expectations… it’s too much for me,” she said.

“You don’t even talk to them, Pallabi,” I replied.

“Doesn’t mean the problem doesn’t exist. I have always wanted a normal set of in-laws. Your extended family is great and I love them. I just can’t tolerate your mom and dad,” she said.

“I can’t do anything about that. They have lived their entire lives in that small town. They have certain beliefs and ideologies, and it is extremely difficult to unlearn them at this age,” I said.

“I know…”

“What’s the other side of the coin?” I asked.

“Well, with you, I feel my life is stuck in the same place. Other couples are buying house, cars, having kids. But we are still in the same place as we were three years ago.”

“Do you want to buy a house now itself? We can go to Bangalore tomorrow and start looking. I have enough money for the advance payment. Rest I can take loan. Car I can buy right away.”

“It’s not about that…”

“What’s all these about then, Pallabi?” I guess, impatient, I raised my voice a bit. “Do you want a kid? We decided not to have kids. At least not now…”

“I don’t want a kid. It’s too much of hard work…I don’t know what I want…”

“How could you not know? If you are falling out of love with me, if you are tired, and that’s normal after 17 years, you have to tell me. Because it’s killing me that you are not happy with me.”

“I really don’t know. And putting pressure on me like this isn’t going to help.”

“So we should continue fighting like this?”

“That’s not what I meant…”

I kept quiet, not knowing what else to say. Then I said, “I know I am not the perfect husband but you too aren’t the perfect wife. But I love you and when it comes to love, we shouldn’t give up on the tree, for a few bad apples.”

She looked at me like I said something disgusting.

“You are going to Germany in a few months,” she said.

“Do you not want me to go?” I asked.

“No, it’s a big opportunity for you,” she said.

“It is. And unlike a lot of people in our generation, my career wasn’t given to me on a platter. I am a self-made man, one of the most expensive writers in India. There’s no more growth for me here. So, I need to explore”

“I understand.”

“But if you don’t want me to go, I won’t.”

“You must go.”

“You can come with me. They will sponsor you too.”

“I can’t go. Unlike you, I have responsibilities. Ours is a small family. My parents don’t have anybody else. And dad has had two major surgeries recently… I need to be here for them.”

“What’s the solution then?”

“You go. This distance will probably help me understand what I want.”

“You don’t even know if you love me.”

“I don’t. I feel I don’t know you anymore.”

I didn’t know what to say. I took off my wedding ring and handed it over to her. “This is symbolic. If you feel, you are done with me, just let me know without making it ugly. I will sign the papers without saying a word. But know that I love you.”

She took the ring. And she didn’t look sad at my symbolic gesture. Is it over?